Haven’t posted for a while and thought I should share how low I’m feeling these days, in honor of my 21st birthday. Maybe someone can relate.
The other day I was in an anniversary party for a business I’m working for. It was nice, music, games, free drinks and food, who wouldn’t love that. A colleague was leaving the firm for another job and I wanted to tell her goodbye. She told me she always remembers what I once said. When she was interviewing me for the job where I’m in she asked where I see myself in 5 to 10 years. I told her as a bold 18-year old “I will be a motivational speaker” in such a determined way that she’ll never forget it and she told everyone in the office about it as well.
It warmed my heart but it was also a slam in my face. On my way home I cried. I realised how far I’ve come from where I was. Since then, which was almost exactly two years ago, I’ve slowly been feeling more and more lost in life and developed a severe anxiety problem. I’ve been struggling. I’ve been drowning in loneliness. I’ve been losing my will to live. How could I ever motivate other people if I can’t even motivate myself? It’s the reason I’ve stopped making posts and youtube videos as well. I don’t want to spread negativity and weakness, it’s the complete opposite of what I want to do, so what can you do if that’s all you feel? It’s very difficut to admit it but here I am.
It feels like I’ve let my dreams down. As I’m slowly losing my will to live I’m losing my will to chase any of my dreams anymore. It hurts my heart, my spirit and my soul. I’m crushed under pressure and don’t know a way out. It feels funny, I know that I’m free to do anything but it feels like I’m in captivity. I spend my days doing nothing. I feel like I’m fading away. I’m tired and don’t know what to do.
What comes to turning 21, I feel empty inside. I feel like I’ve lost a year, or two actually, of my life to this crippling anxiety and that is precious youth I’ll never get back. I know it was partially caused by me following other people’s opinions, society’s expectations and what not, going to schools I didn’t want to go, living life the way I didn’t want to. I do have much more motivating posts written about that topic, stay tuned. It’s not a road you should ever choose and it’s something I regret, and now I’m dealing with the after effects.
I’m not all brain dead, to be honest I’m sick of living and feeling this way. I know I need a dramatic change in my life soon and I’m trying to decide what it could be. Something new that gets me going. Maybe I’ll get a tattoo and a haircut, start kickboxing and move to Australia. Not sure yet. I know I deserve better than this.
As for my birthday, the best part is always to do something nice and exciting to forget I’m getting older. The next year couldn’t possibly be worse than this one at least but here’s to hoping it will be so much better.